Yesterday my Dr. told me that after a year my heart efficiency had gone from 15% to 25%. He also told me that NORMAL was 50% and that the internal pressure had improved. Being a doctor though he had to tell me things like
• We have done all we can with diet, drugs and exercise
• We should consider having a defribulator installed to replace my current pacemaker
I feel like I did the day after the original diagnosis, lost, vacant, alone and adrift. Is this how my life ends? Is this mess that I leave behind all I will be remembered for? I don't get to see grandkids, I don't get to watch my son succeed, I just end in puff of dust and leave behind yet another mess to clean up for my family.
After that original diagnosis I was left alone for three days in my hospital room to think. I didn't turn on the TV, when Jeff came to visit I talked to him and then feigned being tired so I could be alone (how I wish I had that afternoon back now!).
The "Scientific man" in me wants to believe everything they say and just get my affairs in order. The romantic dreaming fool wants to rage against it all. The 8 year old want to turn off the lights or hide in Warcraft. The drunk wants a bottle. In the cocaphoney in my head where is the rational voice that says what I really know...
• That I take things too seriously and let them get to me, which adds stress
• That I have NOT done everything I can do, like totally give up drink and actually lose weight
• That this is only the beginning of the end if I let it be.
I have coasted through most of my life, knowing what I need to do to succeed and knowing I am fully capable if only I get off my fat ass.
...and at the same time knowing that before I do anything I have to learn to love myself, give myself a break and generally lighten up.
Do I finally do that, or just wait for the stabbing pain in my chest that signals "game over"?
