Last night was my fortieth High School reunion and I actually went. Well, I tried to go is a better way to say it. Two of my closest friend, the Steves, were going to be there and I thought it would be a chance to hang out with them for a bit and MAYBE see some other people I might have known from, well what I remember as four years of angst, bullying and general social ennui. The former on my part, the latter on the part of a goodly portion of the student body at large. The only previous reunion I had attended was the tenth and that was amusing but not something that registered with me at a very deep level.
Anyone who knows me closely knows that I am possesed of a somewhat prodigious memory. That being said it is somewhat telling that the four years I spent at <High School Name Redacted> have all but been burned out of my memory as if by a laser beam. Still I have of late resolved to face things that I am uncomfortable with the determination I displayed earlier in my life. This year has been difficult in so many ways, so much loss and so many changes, that I saw this as a potential opportunity for healing. Additionally Steve (who is Wade) said that he had the most fun meeting new people he hadn't known in high school which I saw as positive and potentially pretty cool. These days I make an effort to turn my ears on and listen, looking for the story that needs to be told, if I have the time and energy to get off my ass and get my cameras out and tell it.
From the start of the day it was like Sacramento itself, a city that could not get away from fast enough and who I generally have no reason to visit save my sister lives there, was trying to keep me away from the event. Hwy 80 kicked in with a 3 car accident that tied up traffic for hours but I persevered. I was determined to attend this event, I was not sure why, but determination is a good thing in any life these days and is something not to be squandered. When I got to Sacramento it was 95°and still, just the way I hate it, but I was on a mission of sorts and would not be denied. I found the hotel, found parking and went inside.
Now what I didn't mention was that in High School my pals, the "Steves" were BMOC (Big Men On Campus) whereas I was a socially awkward, introverted nerd. I was a nerd before the term was lionized, I was a nerd when we were still stealth nerds. So it was not surprising that I found the Steves surrounded by people in the bar, I ordered a Pilsner (Sacramento Local, sorry but not very good) and sat down next to another old pal. Effectively with that seat in the bar and that beer I had completed the most positive experience of the evening.
What followed after that was an awkward re-meeting of people who I never knew from I time I have done a lot to forget. Often someone's furtive glance at my name badge would either result in an awkward nod or, even worse, an awkward attempt at social engagement.
"I didn't know you in High School" they would say.
"I did a lot to make sure that was the case much of the time" I would reply.
or
"I was quiet and kept to myself"
When I was greeted with blank stares that evolved into...
"I was voted most likely to be a serial killer"
Surprisingly a couple of people asked "REALLY?!?" when I said that, as if that was a real thing.
I saw a few other people I had SORT OF known and they were all lovely people. One woman greeted me with a gentle hand on the shoulder and told me that she had been going through her yearbook the night before and had noticed all the cool stuff I was involved in and she "wished she had known me in high school". I resisted the urge to say that I wished I had a time machine so I could go back and kill Hitler, even though that statement had just as much validity.
Another man introduced himself and when I responded with a blank stare he was visibly relieved. It seems that in high school he had been one of the elite who didn't just ignore me but advanced to the level of tormentor. He said he was sorry and I assumed the mantle of the beatific nerd who was not bothered by it at all. In truth I didn't know him at all. I told him that over the years I had been contacted by a number of my former tormentors who all wanted to apologize for bloodying my nose or knocking me over. I told him that I made it a point of accepting their apologies and then asking them which 12 step program they were in and what step they were on. I might as well have been talking to a deer for the gaze that elicited.
My friend Steve, the taller one, announced that dinner was served and that we should move downstairs. It seemed appropriate for us to dutifully follow him, this was more my memory of High School. Suddenly I was alone in a queue of people I didn't know moving at the direction of an authority figure, I might as well have been going to some sort of school assembly.
The food was surprisingly good. I sat at a table with Steve (who is Wade) who was busy chatting up a woman he had ALMOST dated in High School and the only other person I had been glad to see. Some alumnus who I did not know stopped by with a high end SLR and we talked a little shop (nerd to the end). When he started to say things I knew were not true I nodded and smiled. For a time I spoke to the woman Steve (who is Wade) was talking to about photography, she was knowledgeable and witty and charming. Her focus though was on Steve (who is Wade) and soon they were lost in that ether known as "catching up".
As I sat there eating my Salmon I had nothing to talk to anyone about. How do you tell people who hardly knew you forty years ago that, well I am doing fine despite the fact that only a few weeks ago I lost the best friend I would ever have, that he had passed the day after my beloved dog had left me as well? How do I start up a casual conversation about how two weeks earlier I had gone to New York City for the first time in my 57 years and on a perfect day had strolled hand in hand through Central Park with a beautiful woman I had only known for a very little while? How do I drop into polite table chat that in a week I would be dropping my son, the central focus of my life, off at College 900 miles from home where he would be starting his studies in Game Design, following me into the industry where I had started my career?
I would have been glad to discuss any of these things in depth, or other part of my experience, but there was one thing lacking. What was lacking was NOBODY ASKED and strangely enough I did not feel the need to start the conversation either. In retrospect I am not sure why I think this odd, the connection required for this exchange had been lacking forty plus years ago when I was in High School why expect it now? Reunions are for catching up with people you had known before, not making new friends (sorry Wade). I was the guest brought at the last minute to some other family's Thanksgiving dinner.
After dinner I sought out each of the Steves and said my good-byes, hugs were exchanged and I was able to honestly say that I had gotten something out of the event. So many people in the world these days look so hard for something that is as elusive as a faerie on a thistle, something called closure. Last night I got closure on that chapter in my life. I never have to go to one of those events again, in truth I never have to go back to Sacramento (except on family trips and since Jeff's passing those are in question).
On the way to the event in crossed my mind that I was driving my VW to a high school event with the Eagles on the radio, how appropriate. As I left Sacramento I dropped the Passat into third Gear and spooled up her silky V6. I opened the moon roof and let in the warm air of one last magic Sacramento summer evening, then I switched over to DAFT PUNK and turned it up
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